i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
