I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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