A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
