I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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