Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
