Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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