What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
