just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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