instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
