is your mom at the bar?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
