Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
