Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
