put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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