tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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