Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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