My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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