he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
