Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
