I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
