census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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