This is not my ceiling
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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