btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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