What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
