it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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