1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
