hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
