turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
