he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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