I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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