i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
