Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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