Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
