I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
