I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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