The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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