I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
