I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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