we have officially lost it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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