I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
