Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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