You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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