please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
