you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
