saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
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I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
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