so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
