areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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