I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
