You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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