Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
