Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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