my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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