Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
