mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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